Nice guy reverses niceness

Welcome my friend!

Today I will show you how to reduce your shyness, by addressing 4 causes to this shyness. And we are going to be dealing with these 4 causes together. Okay, maybe not together, but you are going to be dealing with them!

It is for all shy introverts out there who find it hard to have conversations with others.

I have always been known as both the "Shy guy" and the "Nice guy". I have always been told: "Your are so nice, but you don't say too much". I was afraid of getting judged, so the only way I made "friends" was by being nice.

I would never challenge others beliefs or opinions, and never really talk in group settings. This turned around when I reflected in the summer holidays, and found out the cause of the shyness. I reversed my shyness and niceness!

And now I will show you how to do the same, lets get into it baby:

Step #1: Awareness

The first step to removing your shyness is awareness. Why are you shy? Reflect on the 4 causes:

• Self-consciousness

• Negative self-talk

• Low self-esteem

• Fear of judgment

So think about what the cause of your shyness is.

I can recommend you taking out a journal or writing in a doc. Explore the causes you think you have. Then we will deal with them in the next step.

Step #2: Overcoming the 4 causes

Now for the advice bros.

You can go read the advice for the causes you think you have. But they are all connected in some way. If you practice negative self-talk, you likely are self-conscious and have low self esteem.

So I recommend you start with the causes you think you have, and take the rest afterwards. Lets start with self-consciousness:

Self-consciousness

I was self-conscious. I would not even wear clothes that I heard others criticize.

The first step to dealing with it is perspective. Ask yourself these questions: Is it important what others think? What do I get out of caring about what others think? What are the consequences of caring? Write a few endings to this incomplete sentence: If I could stop caring, I would…

Changing your perspective is key. Go explore the questions in your journal ;)

But if you still struggle, there are some practices to overcoming self-consciousness: Meditating, practicing gratitude and working out. Self improvement in general is the answer to most of your problems.

But you can still be in your own head when in social situations.

Whenever I was around other people, I was kind of trapped in my own mind. I would close myself to the world, while practicing negative self talk. I had a negative mind that would like to point out all my own mistakes.

So here is an extra tip you can apply straight away:

The cure to this kind of self consciousness is presence. You have to be present in the current moment. So a thing I practiced was to notice things when I was around others. Notice for instance the surroundings. This puts your attention on the external things instead of the internal negative mindset.

Now for the negative self-talk:

Negative self-talk

This stems from self-consciousness. So by being present and practicing meditation, you also help with the negative talk. It also is connected with low self esteem, so increasing your self esteem will help.

Now you can practice positive self talk instead. I like to spin negative thoughts into positive thoughts whenever I catch them.

For instance, if your negative thought is: “I suck at writing.”

Then you can spin it into something positive: “I am not the best writer, but I love writing!”

This positive thought can be something you are curious about, excited about or grateful about.

Now another way to remove your negative self talk is to reduce your expectations. You might be a perfectionist, and want to do everything perfect.

But say to yourself: No matter how bad I do, I will not criticize myself.” Be comfortable with the thought of you doing your worst at a task.

You do this by reducing your expectations. When I write, I tell myself that my first draft doesn’t have to be that good. I will come back to edit it later, so I just let my creativity run free.

This works well in social situations as well. I used to force myself to say something funny all the time, so I was anxious in social situations. But then I let go of those expectations, and broke free, and damn that feels good.

Low self-esteem

The principle of self esteem: Your self esteem affects your choices, and your choices affects your self esteem.

If you want to increase your self esteem, one way is to remove your escapism habits. (habits we do to “escape” our life") For me it was gaming, for you it might be scrolling on social media. But anything we also do to procrastinate and escape from the reality of our miserable lives.

Yeah, be sure to eliminate those pesky habits.

So the reason this works so well is because consciousness is 1 of the 6 pillars of self esteem. Escapism habits reduce consciousness, and reduce self-esteem. So you want to change the bad escapism habit out with a good habit, something you enjoy. So self esteem will sometimes be a byproduct of self improvement.

Now this self-esteem is a bit complicated, so I will make an e-book on the topic. But removing bad habits and replacing them with good habits helps you.

Fear of judgement

The way you reduce your fear of judgment is again by removing your expectations.

Stop thinking you have to be perfect. And the most important part: Stop thinking you HAVE to be liked. This is a real painful one, because if you have to be liked by everybody, then you have to agree with everybody, and you put them FIRST, and yourself LAST.

You don’t have to be liked by everybody, and you will still have haters no matter what. So it is useless trying to be liked by everyone.

I saw a video by Clark Kegley - he is a legend by the way - on the topic of not giving a fuck. And what 1 of the main takeaways was “Stop making it about you”. It means that instead of focusing on how much you can be liked and how many funny things you can say, then focus on how much you can “serve” and give others.

So instead of trying to be interesting, be interested in others.

Remember these questions next time you are afraid of judgment: “What is it costing you now to care about what others think?” And what about the future, what is it costing you if you keep caring about what others think?

Conclusion

Alright bro, I hope you could use the advice!

It is all about perspective and self-awareness. So be sure to answer the questions in a journal or doc to get the most out of it.

As always, I am doing free 1:1 coaching right now on twitter at: https://twitter.com/ash_rote

So if you struggle with shyness or low self esteem, DM me on twitter.

And be sure to have a breathtaking day bro!

-Ash